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10 Reasons Why Dhoom:3 Sucks

Category: D3 , Dhoom:3 , Movie review By Vikas Rawat

So, finally.. Dhoom:3 has released! Yaay! Hmm.

With the third film in the franchise, and one more to come, we’ll now have more Dhoom films than pictures of Aditya Chopra (the last one in media circulation was taken during his reaction at Uday Chopra’s birth). But more on that later.

This film is everything a Bollywood film is not. It has Action. Romance. Comedy. Katrina Kaif. Cars. Gays. Bikes. A foreign country. Firangi girls.An ADORABLE side-kick (But more on that later). Pritam’s songs. Amitabh Bachchan’s son. Bhoot uncle. And Rancho.

But most importantly, it is directed by the director of one of India’s most successful blockbuster MIND-a-BLOWING musical-action films of all time - ‘Tashan’. I can imagine the conversation during pre-production.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. So who can direct Dhoom:3? I need the name of a guy who’s made the best action film in India.

Advisors: Sir, Vijay Krishna Acharya. He made ‘Tashan’.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. He wrote that too?

Advisors: Er,, Umm.. Yes.

Aditya Chopra: Hmm.. that’s a good film to show off. Will he direct my brother?

Advisors: Yes sir. But double money.

Aditya Chopra: Done. Bula do use.

And thus, we had 20^th December as Dhoomsday.

So without much ado, let’s jump into the 10 reasons why Dhoom:3 is India’s most SUCKcessful fim.

1. Uday Chopra

No “10 Reasons why something sucks” list is incomplete without mentioning Uday Chopra. I’m sure Katrina probably slashed her fee by half in exchange for not being in the same frame as Uday Chopra.

The day I saw him on the poster, I knew the film was Dhoomed. Why don’t they just kill him off? Or his character? There’s a reason he’s not being seen in any films. There’s a reason he’s now producing and directing films and wreaking havoc in other aspects of filmmaking. Because acting, with that face, is REALLY not what Uday Chopra should be doing. I’m not even talking about good/bad looks. It’s.. just that face.

Testing your patience as the irritating Ali, he is bearable in the bits where he’s doing comedy. But the times when he tries “classy” and “style”, you’re thinking “shoot” and “kill”. The only thing he’s doing through most of the film is ducking Abhishek’s and Aamir’s vehicles (think Autos, bikes, cars, helicopters). You can almost hear a soft “damn” coming from the audiences when he misses the vehicles, in ssslllloooooooww mootttiioooooon..

2. Dance

The film opens with Aamir doing what looks like a tap dance, but with the way he is stomping the ground, ends up looking like a “I hate the Earth” campaign. It’s more likely he took ‘Thulp the tomatoes” classes that tap dance ones. The dances are just elaborately bad.

3. Aamir-Katrina Pairing

Seeing Aamir and Katrina stick together and dance feels like a Tetris game, where you’re placing a 2 blocker on a 4 blocker line. Aamir and Katrina’s love story could alternatively be titled “How to love a Giraffe”. The chemistry between them is as hot as a piece of withering scientist in a tent in Antarctica.

I’m told the initial reason to have 2 Aamirs in the film was so they could stack one Aamir over another and have that kissing scene with Katrina. Because now that Aamir is done with, the only Khan remaining in her ‘kiss’ list is Kader Khan.

4. Length

No. This is not a point about Aamir Khan’s height. At a running time of close to 3 hours, the film is so long, that I could watch Uday Chopra get old and retire from life. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

5. Plot

The plot of the film is as original as Koena Mitra’s nose. Copying heavily from Nolan’s “The Prestige”, the plot is too drawn out and cumbersome. Also, the day Chicago police call on the Indian police to help solve a local case, will be the day of declaration of Nicki Minaj as a radioactive substance.

6. Katrina Kaif

Now we all know that people normally go to see Katrina Kaif. See. Not act. And yet, you know you’re losing your value for money when she appears in ragged baggy clothes, if even for a few minutes. I mean.. WHAT does the audience do when Katrina is fully clothed in baggy clothes? Some people stole a quick nap while I shot off that important mail till she started removing her clothes one by one in that song, ending with putting her leg over Aamir’s shoulder. Half-way during “Kamli Kamli”, you almost think she is going to start using Aamir as a prop, jump over him, throw him around etc. I’m sure she was brought on the project (in general words ‘paid’) to dance and sing and to take on the combined acting might of Uday Chopra and his bike. But the makers gave her a scene or two where she had to emote. She looked in pain and couldn’t wait to get her eyebrows back to normal. It was painful to sit through.

7. Dialogues

The film, written by the same genius that directed this wreck, is littered with dialogues that make you cringe. There’s a scene where Abhishek is looking (with those eyes, it could be at Uday or the director) and declares this gem - “Mujhe chupi hui cheez ko dhoondne main maza aata hai”. Hume bhi film main acting dhoondne ki bohot koshish ki, par maza nahi aaya.

8. Action

Though Aamir Khan is shown as a bank robber, not ONCE do we see how he robs a bank. He just enters a building, and escapes. Half the film is made of chase sequences. Repetitive and boring. Aamir’s bike has more transformations than Uday Chopra has had roles in his career. But even that does not take away from the monotony.

9. Director

Vijay Krishna Acharya, the director of ‘Dhoom:3’ stimulates our brain cells. By killing them, one at a time. With mind-numbing action, an elongated story and plain, bad direction Vijay Krishna Acharya comes up with a film that rivals his previous gem ‘Tashan’. And that’s saying something.

10. VFX

The film is about bank robberies and every time Aamir escapes, he comes down with the money. But no. he cannot come down with the stairs or lift. Because that’s toooo main stream, right? He runs down a building like its’ a jogging track, of course in slooooooow-mooootion, with such a weird expression on his face, that you want to smack him so the face becomes normal again. And with an actor like Aamir, it takes special effort to evoke such feelings. Even the snow at the beginning of the film looks like someone is furiously rubbing thermacole from the roof. Some of the effects are good. But when you forcefully do something that looks bad, it looks bad.

Amidst all this tomfoolery, Aamir has acted well in certain sections, except for the parts where he has to act like Rancho meets Hritik from “Koi Mil Gaya”. But even he can’t do much for a film like this, not even if you add 2, 3 or 4 Aamirs.

All in all, Dhoom:3 is a very good film that could be considered for the Oscars next year. Interesting trivia: The film’s title comes in after about 15 minutes as we see Aamir Khan, just so we know we aren’t watching “The Hobbit”. Which SHOULD be what you must watch in the theatres. Dhoom:3? Wait till this one comes on TV.

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10 Reasons Why ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ Sucks

Category: Movie review By Vikas Rawat

The film is titled ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’. Very apt. Actually, the film could’ve also been called ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein Gora’ or ‘Another Imran Khan-Kareena Kapoor rom-com-pom-pom-tom’. Because that’s what this film is about. 2 white people who fall in love. Because in Hindi movies, the maximum black we can go in love stories is maybe Ajay Devgn… Or Sunil Shetty. Even Abhishek Bachchan, despite having the dubious distinction of being Aishwarya Rai’s husband, can only end up playing second fiddle to the much fairer Aamir Khan.

GTPM (name too Bollywood, let’s abbreviate) is maybe one of those rare Karan Johar films that have no gay characters. But then again, they DID have Imran Khan starring in the film. Close enough. But seriously, a Karan Johar production without a gay character is like India without Bangladeshi immigrants, or Africa without Angelina Jolie. Incomplete.

Coming back to the film, following are the 10 reasons why GTPM should be sent as India’s official Oscar entry along with BIGGGGG BOOOSSS (latest spelling).

1. Shraddha Kapoor

Inspite of being in the entire first half of the film, the movie starts off by giving Shraddha Kapoor a credit of ‘Special Thanks/Appearance’ or some shit like that. It’s almost like the Producers were looking to save some extra bucks and enrolled Shraddha telling her it’s a ‘Special Thanks wala appearance’. And then made her act (sit) through the film. Basically producers’ ne usko chutiya banaya. Aur hume. Through out the film, Shraddha looks like she’s constipated and will throw up on Imran if he does not pick up the guitar and sing ‘Tum Hi Ho’.. one last time.. NOT!

2. Community references

It’s almost a crime now for a film if they don’t insult at least ONE community. And now that tamilians (CE) and gujaratis (RL) are in fashion for being insulted, GTPM aims to hit the jackpot by ensuring equal insult to both communities, before and after the interval.. to ensure no community feels left out. So while Imran is a convenient white tamilian who exhibits a racist streak towards his own family, the film’s second half is set in a Gujarati village where Imran Khan tries splitting gujarati words like they are Andhra Pradesh.

3. No innovation

The characters, situations and dialogues are so run-off-the-mill that the only new and fresh thing you see is in the opening credits – Kareena Kapoor Khan. Even the dialogues and songs are generously taken from other films.

4. Songs

The film opens with a nice peppy song that almost sets you in a good mood. As the film starts, you are almost immediately punished for having had too much fun and expectation. Some of the best songs in the film are ‘Jo Bhi Main’ from Rockstar, Rabbi’s ‘Bulla ki Jaana’ and ‘O Mitwa’ from Lagaan. And even these occur too fleetingly, mostly in Imran’s voice.

5. Look and feel of the film

In essence and taste, GTPM feels like the vomit of ‘Ek main aur Ekk tu‘, mixed with ‘Break ke Baad’ and ‘I hate Luv storys . And I haven’t even seen any of the three films. But you can just tell. The gloss.. The shine.. The Imran.. bletch bletch..

6. Crab

For some very strange reason, there is a crab in the film. No, really. And we see nice juicy close-ups of it in the entire first half. The sad part of the plot is that the only time Imran actually realizes that he really loves Kareena Kapoor is when the crab (called Sandy) dies. An unintentionally funny scene in the film is when Shrradha explains to Imran on their wedding mantap how that crab was the ‘kadi’ between him and Kareena. Because screw Facebook and twitter, who needs all that when you have a crab! The crab serves as Imran’s confidante pre-interval, being locked up in a glass box without air or water. Strangely, we never see what happens to that dead crab. Shayad ‘kadi’ ki ‘kadhi’ ban gayi.

7. Audi car

The “break point” in the film is when Imran decides to sell Kareena’s orphanage land to buy his dream “Audi” car. Kareena’s reaction on seeing the car is like how Sachin would react on being presented with Vinod Kambli’s head. Because Kareena expresses absolute interest in buying the car an exact ZERO number of times. It is ABSOLUTELY clear that Imran loved that car more than he did Kareena. And seeing that there’s not ONE bikini scene in the film, I’d say Go For it Imran!

8. Marriage

Somewhere in the beginning of the film, when Shraddha is busy worrying about how she’d protect her girlfriends at a sleepover from her father, Imran takes us to/through/out of a wedding. And I have to take his word for it. For never once in the 10-minute sequence do you see a groom or bride. Just fat uncles and aunties shaking their booties and redefining marriage as an ass-shaking fest called “Toon Toon”.

9. Village

Now the film’s second half is set in a gujarati village called ‘an average gujarati village name’. While you leisurely pace towards the haunting climax of the film, you can’t help but think what’s the occupation of the village. No one seems to ever be working. We never see them farming or fishing (they’re close to a river) or anything. Hell, all they want is a damn bridge so they can laze around on that too. When they’re not too busy following Imran around or cribbing, they get into your usual song and dance routine. Because screw hunger and poverty, Kareena is in gaon yo!

10. Imran Khan

All reasons aside, this film couldn’t have been the colossal disappointment it is if not for the earnestly ridiculous acting by the crab. And Imran Khan. It’s almost like he’s stuck transparent tape on his face to freeze his expressions and have the same look ever since “Jaane tu.. ya jaane na”. I’m reminded of one particular scene towards the end, when Imran is trying really hard to cry at the railway station. Pushing for tears, he desperately tries to shove a kid’s drawing sheet into his face, hoping some crayon would get into his eyes and get some red-eyed tears. He was SO bad in the film that showing his adverts in the interval might actually have proved counter-productive. “What?! He’s endorsing Lays?! I’m shifting to Uncle Chips”.

Kareena Kapoor is actually decent in the film. Except for the parts when the director clearly told her, “Woh ‘Jab We Met’ main jo expression diya tha na.. wo wala expression dena. Thoda ‘Golmaal 3’ wala mix karke”. There are also other horrifying moments in the film, like in the interval, when the screen freezes so awkwardly on Imran’s exposed armpit and thigh-insides, that you lose all appetite for popcorn.

All in all, ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ is a thoroughly enjoyable film. I’m sure children from all age groups will connect with the film and learn how to treat our South Indian friends, not for the people they are, but the color of their skin. And have a crab pet-cum-food, sitting in an Audi.

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10 Reasons Why 'Ram-Leela' Sucks

Category: Movie review By Vikas Rawat

Now before reading this, you should know I’m a Sanjay Leela Bhansali fan. I’m the guy who cried during ‘Black’ and consider ‘Devdas’ to be amongst the finest Indian films ever made. So nothing in the world could make me hate a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film, but Sanjay Leela Bhansali himself. And BOY, has SLB (name too long, let’s abbreviate) managed to do that with 'Ram-Leela'!

‘Ram-Leela’ is a perfect example of team effort, with the collective spirited work of 3 big names working together. Sanjay. Leela. And of course, Bhansali. The film is directed by Bhansali. Produced by Bhansali. Written by Bhansali. Edited by Bhansali. The music is also by Bhansali. The character of ‘Ram’, played by Ranveer Singh, is also in turn played by Bhansali (where do you think all that facial hair came from?).

Anyhow, (in no particular order) here are the 10 reasons I LOVED ‘Ram Leela’. (Sarcasm |ˈsärˌkazəm| noun ; the use of irony to mock or convey contempt).

1. Supriya Pathak

Supriya Pathak Shah is a fine, fine actor. It must have taken stupendously bad direction to make her act this horribly in the film. Though she plays a godmother/don, she ends up looking more of a madam at a brothel looking to sell off Deepika Padukone to a London-gujju boy. Tch tch.

2. Gujju Accent

Sure, you’re making a film about Gujaratis in Gujarat. But that does not mean you have all your characters talk like they’re sidekicks from ‘Tarak Mehta ka Oolta Chashma’. Gujaratis in the film are reduced to caricatures, specially the painful opening scene of a gun seller (to begin with). There are literally moments when Supriya Pathak Shah seems to give-up and get into her ‘Hansa’ mode.

3. Sexual innuendos

Okay. THIS really made me sit up. The film is peppered with SO many cheap sexual innuendos and cheap dialogues that you end up forgetting you’re watching a Bhansali film. In essence, ‘Ram-Leela’ was like Sanjay Leela Bhansali ‘Grand Masti’ (or Grandiose Masti, if you please).

4. Songs

To be honest, I was sort of glad for the songs. They served as convenient toilet breaks. My only regret (apart from entering the movie hall), was that I didn’t drink enough water; as a result of which, after my first two loo breaks (called “Tattad Tattad" and “Lahu Muh Lag Gaya”) I had to SIT through the rest of the painfully mediocre and below-average songs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I missed Ismail ka Darbar.

5. Animation/VFX

Somewhere during the film, (as if there weren’t enough characters already) SLB seems to get bored and introduces the character of a VFX peacock. I can imagine SLB at the VFX studio telling the VFX artist “Yaar.. yahan ek peacock daal dete hain”. The result being we see a very uncomfortable animated peacock looking as aesthetic as Manmohan Singh at a Bunga-Bunga party.

6. Scale/Color

The basic idea behind the look of ‘Ram-Leela’ was a major shift in color from Blue to Red. Bas. Also, there seemed to be empty efforts in making the film look like a grand scale production. The efforts fall flat. And all we see is a bloodied movie lying in the theatres, bleeding red.

7. Ranveer Singh

Though I find Ranveer Singh repulsive enough as it is, there was something extra-special about him in the film that made me wish his character would die in the intermission. So while I was having a difficult time choosing between his beard and his face for the reasons of repel, an over-zealous lady seated next to me murmured to her friend “Kitna tel laga rakha hai yaar”. And that was my eureka moment. His body is almost always covered/splattered/dipped in oil. Is he a masseuse’s love child? Any more oil, and the US would have invaded his body. If THIS is what the women of my generation are drooling over, I want to live in Mars.

8. Length

At 23 years and 4 minutes, ‘Ram-Leela’ is one of the longest films I’ve ever had to sit through. My moment of joy in this film was watching the Google:Reunion ad on the big screen during the intermission. And going home.

9. Dialogues

While SLB read ‘Romeo & Juliet’, his team had only one work before the film started shooting – to find as many SMS shayaris they can with words that rhyme with ‘Ram’, ‘Leela’ and ‘Wife’. And incorporate the same into the film’s script. Which brings us to intense and sad moments in the film where the characters are too busy finding rhyming words to construct a reply. (Also, anyone from the team who did not find a shayari rhyming with ‘Bhansali’ was fired).

10. Priyanka Chopra

Having made up her mind to be part of every trashy film/song/video, Priyanka Chopra continues to embarrass us with an embarrassing item song performance. Though her appearance in the film was (thankfully) short, we must all thank the Lord that she did not sing the song. Throughout the not-so-Exotic song, Ranveer Singh is ogling at her, as if thinking ‘What is she doing In My City’.

Deepika Padukone was the only saving grace, looking fabulous through the film. Except for that scene where she performs a very scary voodoo dance on the bed with a smoke pot in her hands – all to seduce Ranveer. SLB really needs to get his erotic seducing tactics right.

In all, ‘Ram-Leela’ is a thoroughly enjoyable film which you can watch while your children grow old, learning the art of being chivalrous in life from Ranveer Singh.

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The 'Rockstar' concert

Category: A R Rahman By Vikas Rawat

I know this is coming pretty late, but well.. Here it is.

I'd been to Mumbai a few weeks back for the 'Rockstar' concert by A.R. Rahman sir. I had the opportunity to be with Ranbir Kapoor and director Imtiaz Ali and the crew. I also got an opportunity to meet and converse with A.R Rahman sir. Last time in Bangalore I couldn't take a picture but this time I did not let that opportunity pass by! :P I also met singers Mohit Chauhan, Javed Ali and many other people.

I'd made Piano versions of songs from 'Rockstar' and T Series, a music label that releases music CDs and cassettes, had recognized the videos on youtube and invited me to Mumbai. Now they just gave me passes and no travel/accommodation, so it was quite a decision to take. But I went ahead, convinced parents and booked a bus to Mumbai mere hours before it was to leave Bangalore. Some ride that was. *sigh*

The crew of 'Rockstar' were also following my videos on youtube and welcomed me very warmly. I was with them at the production house and office for 2 days. Also, the event organizers from Rahman sir's Team recognized me (back when we'd met in Bangalore for the Bangalore concert) and I was made the Backstage co-ordinator at the 'Rockstar' concert that happened in Mumbai on the 1st of November, 2011. I was the only person from Bangalore ofcourse. In effect, I was representing The 'Rockstar' team at the concert as they were too caught up with film deliveries and Imtiaz sir had taken ill and couldn't attend the concert. I also met Rahman sir and spoke to Him about how big a fan I am and other things. The MOST surreal 10 minutes of my life :D

Here's an excerpt of the conversation:

Me (after a long talk about how big a fan I am and what a great inspiration He is etc.) : Sir, I've also made Piano Versions of all your songs from 'Rockstar' *I actually mumbled it*

ARR: Oh that's nice.. Wait.. Piano what?

Me : Piano version sir.. My interpretations..Of every song when it released.. All songs from 'Rockstar'..

ARR: Oh, that's nice.. wonderful..

Me: I'll send it to Vijay sir's mail sir.. please do listen to them when you find time..

ARR: Yeah man, sure.. good good..

Me: *After dilly dallying more when I was about to leave.. KJ Singh had entered the van and was waiting* Please do listen to them sir.. I'll mail it to Vijay sir..

ARR: Sure man, sure.. You rock, That's awesome.. *and the trademark smile indicating I'll have to leave now*

Me: *Dazed* *star-struck*

I felt like a complete idiot weeks later when I remembered that I mentioned NOTHING to Him about the time we'd met in Bangalore! I thought I had but when the effect wore off, I realised (contrary to what I'd thought previously) that I never mentioned Bangalore even once! :-o :-O Me is absolute bonkers.

Anyhow, I've been in touch with the Team of Rockstar and Rahman sir's Team ever since.

Haven't been able to write as comprehensively as I had the last time I met Rahman sir at Bangalore.. Simply because there are too many things to write and it would take me hours together to put down the events in words. So I'm taking the easy way out and just posting a few of the pictures.

The 'Rockstar' Concert. 1st of November. Mumbai.

Sivamani. Ranjit Barot. Harshdeep Kaur. Sanjeev Thomas. Stephen Devassi. Naveen. Monica Dogra. Javed Ali. Balesh. Chang. Mohit Chauhan. Nargis Fakri. Ranbir Kapoor. Team Rockstar. Imtiaz Ali.

A.R. Rahman sir.

Great Times! \m/