10 Reasons Why ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ Sucks
The film is titled ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’. Very apt.
Actually, the film could’ve also been called ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein Gora’ or
‘Another Imran Khan-Kareena Kapoor rom-com-pom-pom-tom’. Because that’s what
this film is about. 2 white people who fall in love. Because in Hindi movies,
the maximum black we can go in love stories is maybe Ajay Devgn… Or Sunil
Shetty. Even Abhishek Bachchan, despite having the dubious distinction of being
Aishwarya Rai’s husband, can only end up playing second fiddle to the much
fairer Aamir Khan.
GTPM (name too Bollywood, let’s abbreviate) is maybe one of
those rare Karan Johar films that have no gay characters. But then again, they
DID have Imran Khan starring in the film. Close enough. But seriously, a Karan
Johar production without a gay character is like India without Bangladeshi
immigrants, or Africa without Angelina Jolie. Incomplete.
Coming back to the film, following are the 10 reasons why
GTPM should be sent as India’s official Oscar entry along with BIGGGGG BOOOSSS
(latest spelling).
1. Shraddha Kapoor
Inspite of being in the entire first half of the film, the
movie starts off by giving Shraddha Kapoor a credit of ‘Special
Thanks/Appearance’ or some shit like that. It’s almost like the Producers were
looking to save some extra bucks and enrolled Shraddha telling her it’s a
‘Special Thanks wala appearance’. And then made her act (sit) through the film.
Basically producers’ ne usko chutiya banaya. Aur hume. Through out the film,
Shraddha looks like she’s constipated and will throw up on Imran if he does not
pick up the guitar and sing ‘Tum Hi Ho’.. one last time.. NOT!
2. Community references
It’s almost a crime now for a film if they don’t insult at
least ONE community. And now that tamilians (CE) and gujaratis (RL) are in
fashion for being insulted, GTPM aims to hit the jackpot by ensuring equal
insult to both communities, before and after the interval.. to ensure no
community feels left out. So while Imran is a convenient white tamilian who
exhibits a racist streak towards his own family, the film’s second half is set
in a Gujarati village where Imran Khan tries splitting gujarati words like they
are Andhra Pradesh.
3. No
innovation
The characters, situations and dialogues are so run-off-the-mill
that the only new and fresh thing you see is in the opening credits – Kareena
Kapoor Khan. Even the dialogues and songs are generously taken from other
films.
4. Songs
The film opens with a nice peppy song that almost sets you
in a good mood. As the film starts, you are almost immediately punished for
having had too much fun and expectation. Some of the best songs in the film are
‘Jo Bhi Main’ from Rockstar, Rabbi’s ‘Bulla ki Jaana’ and ‘O Mitwa’ from
Lagaan. And even these occur too fleetingly,
mostly in Imran’s voice.
5. Look and
feel of the film
In essence and taste, GTPM feels like the vomit of ‘Ek main
aur Ekk tu‘, mixed with ‘Break ke Baad’ and ‘I hate Luv storys . And I haven’t
even seen any of the three films. But you can just tell. The gloss.. The
shine.. The Imran.. bletch bletch..
6.
Crab
For some very strange reason,
there is a crab in the film. No, really. And we see nice juicy close-ups of it
in the entire first half. The sad part of the plot is that the only time Imran
actually realizes that he really loves Kareena Kapoor is when the crab (called
Sandy) dies. An unintentionally funny
scene in the film is when Shrradha explains to Imran on their wedding mantap
how that crab was the ‘kadi’ between him and Kareena. Because screw Facebook
and twitter, who needs all that when you have a crab! The crab serves as Imran’s
confidante pre-interval, being locked up in a glass box without air or water.
Strangely, we never see what happens to that dead crab. Shayad ‘kadi’ ki
‘kadhi’ ban gayi.
7.
Audi car
The “break point” in the film is
when Imran decides to sell Kareena’s orphanage land to buy his dream “Audi”
car. Kareena’s reaction on seeing the car is like how Sachin would react on
being presented with Vinod Kambli’s head. Because Kareena expresses absolute
interest in buying the car an exact ZERO number of times. It is ABSOLUTELY
clear that Imran loved that car more than he did Kareena. And seeing that
there’s not ONE bikini scene in the film, I’d say Go For it Imran!
8. Marriage
Somewhere in the beginning of the film, when Shraddha is
busy worrying about how she’d protect her girlfriends at a sleepover from her
father, Imran takes us to/through/out of a wedding. And I have to take his word
for it. For never once in the 10-minute sequence do you see a groom or bride.
Just fat uncles and aunties shaking their booties and redefining marriage as an
ass-shaking fest called “Toon Toon”.
9. Village
Now the film’s second half is set in a gujarati village
called ‘an average gujarati village name’. While you leisurely pace towards the
haunting climax of the film, you can’t help but think what’s the occupation of
the village. No one seems to ever be working. We never see them farming or
fishing (they’re close to a river) or anything. Hell, all they want is a damn
bridge so they can laze around on that too. When they’re not too busy following
Imran around or cribbing, they get into your usual song and dance routine. Because
screw hunger and poverty, Kareena is in gaon yo!
10. Imran Khan
All reasons aside, this film couldn’t have been the colossal
disappointment it is if not for the earnestly ridiculous acting by the crab.
And Imran Khan. It’s almost like he’s stuck transparent tape on his face to
freeze his expressions and have the same look ever since “Jaane tu.. ya jaane
na”. I’m reminded of one particular scene towards the end, when Imran is trying
really hard to cry at the railway station. Pushing for tears, he desperately
tries to shove a kid’s drawing sheet into his face, hoping some crayon would
get into his eyes and get some red-eyed tears. He was SO bad in the film that
showing his adverts in the interval might actually have proved
counter-productive. “What?! He’s endorsing Lays?! I’m shifting to Uncle Chips”.
Kareena Kapoor is actually decent in the film. Except for
the parts when the director clearly told her, “Woh ‘Jab We Met’ main jo
expression diya tha na.. wo wala expression dena. Thoda ‘Golmaal 3’ wala mix
karke”. There are also other horrifying moments in the film, like in the
interval, when the screen freezes so awkwardly on Imran’s exposed armpit and
thigh-insides, that you lose all appetite for popcorn.
All in all, ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ is a thoroughly enjoyable
film. I’m sure children from all age groups will connect with the film and learn
how to treat our South Indian friends, not for the people they are, but the
color of their skin. And have a crab pet-cum-food, sitting in an Audi.
"Shayad ‘kadi’ ki ‘kadhi’ ban gayi."
hahaha... Too Good!!! :)
please correct me if I caught the wrong impression -
you sound homophobic :C