The name's Rawat..
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10 Reasons Why ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ Sucks

Category: By Vikas Rawat
The film is titled ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’. Very apt. Actually, the film could’ve also been called ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein Gora’ or ‘Another Imran Khan-Kareena Kapoor rom-com-pom-pom-tom’. Because that’s what this film is about. 2 white people who fall in love. Because in Hindi movies, the maximum black we can go in love stories is maybe Ajay Devgn… Or Sunil Shetty. Even Abhishek Bachchan, despite having the dubious distinction of being Aishwarya Rai’s husband, can only end up playing second fiddle to the much fairer Aamir Khan.

GTPM (name too Bollywood, let’s abbreviate) is maybe one of those rare Karan Johar films that have no gay characters. But then again, they DID have Imran Khan starring in the film. Close enough. But seriously, a Karan Johar production without a gay character is like India without Bangladeshi immigrants, or Africa without Angelina Jolie. Incomplete.

Coming back to the film, following are the 10 reasons why GTPM should be sent as India’s official Oscar entry along with BIGGGGG BOOOSSS (latest spelling).

1. Shraddha Kapoor

Inspite of being in the entire first half of the film, the movie starts off by giving Shraddha Kapoor a credit of ‘Special Thanks/Appearance’ or some shit like that. It’s almost like the Producers were looking to save some extra bucks and enrolled Shraddha telling her it’s a ‘Special Thanks wala appearance’. And then made her act (sit) through the film. Basically producers’ ne usko chutiya banaya. Aur hume. Through out the film, Shraddha looks like she’s constipated and will throw up on Imran if he does not pick up the guitar and sing ‘Tum Hi Ho’.. one last time.. NOT!

          2.   Community references

It’s almost a crime now for a film if they don’t insult at least ONE community. And now that tamilians (CE) and gujaratis (RL) are in fashion for being insulted, GTPM aims to hit the jackpot by ensuring equal insult to both communities, before and after the interval.. to ensure no community feels left out. So while Imran is a convenient white tamilian who exhibits a racist streak towards his own family, the film’s second half is set in a Gujarati village where Imran Khan tries splitting gujarati words like they are Andhra Pradesh.

          3.   No innovation

The characters, situations and dialogues are so run-off-the-mill that the only new and fresh thing you see is in the opening credits – Kareena Kapoor Khan. Even the dialogues and songs are generously taken from other films.

          4.   Songs

The film opens with a nice peppy song that almost sets you in a good mood. As the film starts, you are almost immediately punished for having had too much fun and expectation. Some of the best songs in the film are ‘Jo Bhi Main’ from Rockstar, Rabbi’s ‘Bulla ki Jaana’ and ‘O Mitwa’ from Lagaan.  And even these occur too fleetingly, mostly in Imran’s voice.

          5.   Look and feel of the film

In essence and taste, GTPM feels like the vomit of ‘Ek main aur Ekk tu‘, mixed with ‘Break ke Baad’ and ‘I hate Luv storys . And I haven’t even seen any of the three films. But you can just tell. The gloss.. The shine.. The Imran..  bletch bletch..

          6.   Crab

For some very strange reason, there is a crab in the film. No, really. And we see nice juicy close-ups of it in the entire first half. The sad part of the plot is that the only time Imran actually realizes that he really loves Kareena Kapoor is when the crab (called Sandy) dies.  An unintentionally funny scene in the film is when Shrradha explains to Imran on their wedding mantap how that crab was the ‘kadi’ between him and Kareena. Because screw Facebook and twitter, who needs all that when you have a crab! The crab serves as Imran’s confidante pre-interval, being locked up in a glass box without air or water. Strangely, we never see what happens to that dead crab. Shayad ‘kadi’ ki ‘kadhi’ ban gayi.

          7.   Audi car

The “break point” in the film is when Imran decides to sell Kareena’s orphanage land to buy his dream “Audi” car. Kareena’s reaction on seeing the car is like how Sachin would react on being presented with Vinod Kambli’s head. Because Kareena expresses absolute interest in buying the car an exact ZERO number of times. It is ABSOLUTELY clear that Imran loved that car more than he did Kareena. And seeing that there’s not ONE bikini scene in the film, I’d say Go For it Imran!

          8.   Marriage

Somewhere in the beginning of the film, when Shraddha is busy worrying about how she’d protect her girlfriends at a sleepover from her father, Imran takes us to/through/out of a wedding. And I have to take his word for it. For never once in the 10-minute sequence do you see a groom or bride. Just fat uncles and aunties shaking their booties and redefining marriage as an ass-shaking fest called “Toon Toon”.

          9.   Village

Now the film’s second half is set in a gujarati village called ‘an average gujarati village name’. While you leisurely pace towards the haunting climax of the film, you can’t help but think what’s the occupation of the village. No one seems to ever be working. We never see them farming or fishing (they’re close to a river) or anything. Hell, all they want is a damn bridge so they can laze around on that too. When they’re not too busy following Imran around or cribbing, they get into your usual song and dance routine. Because screw hunger and poverty, Kareena is in gaon yo!

         10.  Imran Khan

All reasons aside, this film couldn’t have been the colossal disappointment it is if not for the earnestly ridiculous acting by the crab. And Imran Khan. It’s almost like he’s stuck transparent tape on his face to freeze his expressions and have the same look ever since “Jaane tu.. ya jaane na”. I’m reminded of one particular scene towards the end, when Imran is trying really hard to cry at the railway station. Pushing for tears, he desperately tries to shove a kid’s drawing sheet into his face, hoping some crayon would get into his eyes and get some red-eyed tears. He was SO bad in the film that showing his adverts in the interval might actually have proved counter-productive. “What?! He’s endorsing Lays?! I’m shifting to Uncle Chips”.

Kareena Kapoor is actually decent in the film. Except for the parts when the director clearly told her, “Woh ‘Jab We Met’ main jo expression diya tha na.. wo wala expression dena. Thoda ‘Golmaal 3’ wala mix karke”. There are also other horrifying moments in the film, like in the interval, when the screen freezes so awkwardly on Imran’s exposed armpit and thigh-insides, that you lose all appetite for popcorn.

All in all, ‘Gori Tere Pyaar Mein’ is a thoroughly enjoyable film. I’m sure children from all age groups will connect with the film and learn how to treat our South Indian friends, not for the people they are, but the color of their skin. And have a crab pet-cum-food, sitting in an Audi.


9 comments so far.

  1. Sona Sharma November 26, 2013 at 7:34 PM
    yup,lots to say."AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." ..... Rawat,ur reviews r so much better,time worthy, n enjoyable than the 5 crore Bollywood trash they make.brilliant use of words n interestingly conveyed the horrendous experience u went thru bt conveyed in a comical way wch makes reading ur review so much yup,loved reading ur review.crab w/o food water or air,lol.....
  2. Vikas Rawat November 26, 2013 at 9:50 PM
    Thank you! :)
  3. Bill the Butcher November 28, 2013 at 4:22 PM
    Not that I watched this tripe, but it was a wondrous review , yo.
  4. suman das November 28, 2013 at 11:27 PM
  5. Mirza Ghalib December 5, 2013 at 9:26 PM
    entertaing in bits and bytes .. but much more was expected on acting front from its characters
  6. Naomi April 11, 2014 at 12:34 AM
    The best reason has to be the "crab" . LOL ....

    "Shayad ‘kadi’ ki ‘kadhi’ ban gayi."

    hahaha... Too Good!!! :)
  7. Sean Dorsey May 12, 2014 at 5:52 AM
    Okay I love your witty writing but -

    please correct me if I caught the wrong impression -

    you sound homophobic :C
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  9. Anonymous January 15, 2015 at 5:08 AM
    whoever reviewed this movie is a one good stupid blind , didn't care about the village and how the bridge was made today's media is so sucking us to neck you should be ashamed and if your not go to school in which they teach how to feel ashamed

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