The name's Rawat..
Hey! I'm Vikas Rawat from Andheri W, Mumbai. Keep queued in if you like my posts :) DISCLAIMER: The views i express here are strictly my own and personal opinions. I do not represent any group and do not intent to cause harm to anyone in anyway.

10 Reasons Why 'Ram-Leela' Sucks

Category: By Vikas Rawat

Now before reading this, you should know I’m a Sanjay Leela Bhansali fan. I’m the guy who cried during ‘Black’ and consider ‘Devdas’ to be amongst the finest Indian films ever made. So nothing in the world could make me hate a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film, but Sanjay Leela Bhansali himself. And BOY, has SLB (name too long, let’s abbreviate) managed to do that with 'Ram-Leela'!

Ram-Leela’ is a perfect example of team effort, with the collective spirited work of 3 big names working together. Sanjay. Leela. And of course, Bhansali. The film is directed by Bhansali. Produced by Bhansali. Written by Bhansali. Edited by Bhansali. The music is also by Bhansali. The character of ‘Ram’, played by Ranveer Singh, is also in turn played by Bhansali (where do you think all that facial hair came from?).

Anyhow, (in no particular order) here are the 10 reasons I LOVED ‘Ram Leela’. (Sarcasm |ˈsärˌkazəm| noun ; the use of irony to mock or convey contempt).

1. Supriya Pathak

Supriya Pathak Shah is a fine, fine actor. It must have taken stupendously bad direction to make her act this horribly in the film. Though she plays a godmother/don, she ends up looking more of a madam at a brothel looking to sell off Deepika Padukone to a London-gujju boy. Tch tch.

     2. Gujju Accent

Sure, you’re making a film about Gujaratis in Gujarat. But that does not mean you have all your characters talk like they’re sidekicks from ‘Tarak Mehta ka Oolta Chashma’. Gujaratis in the film are reduced to caricatures, specially the painful opening scene of a gun seller (to begin with). There are literally moments when Supriya Pathak Shah seems to give-up and get into her ‘Hansa’ mode.

3. Sexual innuendos

Okay. THIS really made me sit up. The film is peppered with SO many cheap sexual innuendos and cheap dialogues that you end up forgetting you’re watching a Bhansali film. In essence, ‘Ram-Leela’ was like Sanjay Leela Bhansali ‘Grand Masti’ (or Grandiose Masti, if you please).

4. Songs

To be honest, I was sort of glad for the songs. They served as convenient toilet breaks. My only regret (apart from entering the movie hall), was that I didn’t drink enough water; as a result of which, after my first two loo breaks (called “Tattad Tattad" and “Lahu Muh Lag Gaya”) I had to SIT through the rest of the painfully mediocre and below-average songs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I missed Ismail ka Darbar.

5. Animation/VFX

Somewhere during the film, (as if there weren’t enough characters already) SLB seems to get bored and introduces the character of a VFX peacock. I can imagine SLB at the VFX studio telling the VFX artist “Yaar.. yahan ek peacock daal dete hain”. The result being we see a very uncomfortable animated peacock looking as aesthetic as Manmohan Singh at a Bunga-Bunga party.

6. Scale/Color

The basic idea behind the look of ‘Ram-Leela’ was a major shift in color from Blue to Red. Bas. Also, there seemed to be empty efforts in making the film look like a grand scale production. The efforts fall flat. And all we see is a bloodied movie lying in the theatres, bleeding red.

7. Ranveer Singh

Though I find Ranveer Singh repulsive enough as it is, there was something extra-special about him in the film that made me wish his character would die in the intermission. So while I was having a difficult time choosing between his beard and his face for the reasons of repel, an over-zealous lady seated next to me murmured to her friend “Kitna tel laga rakha hai yaar”. And that was my eureka moment. His body is almost always covered/splattered/dipped in oil. Is he a masseuse’s love child? Any more oil, and the US would have invaded his body. If THIS is what the women of my generation are drooling over, I want to live in Mars.

8. Length

At 23 years and 4 minutes, ‘Ram-Leela’ is one of the longest films I’ve ever had to sit through. My moment of joy in this film was watching the Google:Reunion ad on the big screen during the intermission. And going home.

9. Dialogues

While SLB read ‘Romeo & Juliet’, his team had only one work before the film started shooting – to find as many SMS shayaris they can with words that rhyme with ‘Ram’, ‘Leela’ and ‘Wife’. And incorporate the same into the film’s script. Which brings us to intense and sad moments in the film where the characters are too busy finding rhyming words to construct a reply. (Also, anyone from the team who did not find a shayari rhyming with ‘Bhansali’ was fired).

10. Priyanka Chopra

Having made up her mind to be part of every trashy film/song/video, Priyanka Chopra continues to embarrass us with an embarrassing item song performance. Though her appearance in the film was (thankfully) short, we must all thank the Lord that she did not sing the song. Throughout the not-so-Exotic song, Ranveer Singh is ogling at her, as if thinking ‘What is she doing In My City’.

Deepika Padukone was the only saving grace, looking fabulous through the film. Except for that scene where she performs a very scary voodoo dance on the bed with a smoke pot in her hands – all to seduce Ranveer. SLB really needs to get his erotic seducing tactics right.

In all, ‘Ram-Leela’ is a thoroughly enjoyable film which you can watch while your children grow old, learning the art of being chivalrous in life from Ranveer Singh.

49 comments so far.

  1. waqas khan November 20, 2013 at 7:09 PM
    This is one of the finest reviews i have read, Hilarious....
  2. Anonymous November 20, 2013 at 8:18 PM
    Omg :-D so true!
  3. Manisha Das November 20, 2013 at 8:30 PM
    From his 1st film Khamoshi: The Musical I do await for his all films like anything & I have a huge respect for his Visualization towards making style. The way he shows his vision to Costume-Set-Music-Dance-Colour most probably NONE imagines in India. Even got back to back Two Flops (Sawariya & Guzarish) my faith never been dropped for a single time but after watching #Ramleela my all expectations have ruined from Him

    Sir #Sanjay_Leela_Bhasali 's #Shakespeare adoptaion became "S*X & PYAR" finally. It sucks.........It shitty!!

    #KUDOS the all ARTISTS(as they served their all efforts to fullfill SLB's demands) from the film except the director himself!
  4. Anonymous November 20, 2013 at 8:57 PM
    "Is he a masseuse’s love child? Any more oil, and the US would have invaded his body"
  5. Anonymous November 20, 2013 at 9:27 PM
    I wish i could reveal my identity but i felt it is unimportant as i dint have patience to go thru ur entire rona dhona. dude! how do u manage to write a blog so full of bullshit?!!
  6. Vikas Rawat November 20, 2013 at 9:47 PM
    Thank you all!
  7. Vikas Rawat November 20, 2013 at 9:48 PM
    @Anonymous#2 I try hard to write bullshit. I wish you could tell me who you were. We'd have a great chat :)
  8. Manjari Makijany November 20, 2013 at 10:46 PM
    You anonymous kid.. U still took the time to comment.. If u really thought it was bull you'd do something better rather than reply.. Twice!
  9. swati November 20, 2013 at 10:58 PM
    vikas awsm review buddy
  10. sona sharma November 20, 2013 at 11:25 PM
    Omg vikas. Ur writing is awesome .truly enjoyed everyword.n yup poor guy was dipped in oil with bronzer but thy forget oil only adds shine n shine is a nono for u keep tht in mind on ur sets sir :-) bt me like padukone.i think shez the only indian intelligent beautiful talented actor.all other girls r beauty with no brains.
  11. Vikas Rawat November 21, 2013 at 2:33 AM
    Thank you!
  12. Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 10:38 AM
    If this movie shoots in Maharasta , SRK as a hero (With OverActing + Shity Story) , some lawani songs include , some more sexual innuendos added , ...
    Then this this is the best movie for you ... lol .. Bullshit logic :P
    acchii movie dekhne ki aadat nahi hena isi liye ese reason's aate hai ,
    P.s. Tumse nahi ho payega , jao dekho apni DDLJ ...
  13. Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 10:38 AM
    Absolutely hilarious.....Full points for being genuinely creative!!
  14. Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 11:58 AM
    Supriya Pathak Shah??? u are confusing Supriya Pathak with her sister Ratna Pathak Shah...
    This is the worst reviews I have ever read....
  15. Vikas Rawat November 21, 2013 at 12:32 PM
    @Anonymous#1 Bhai/behen, Mumbai main rehne se koi Marathi nahi ban jata. But thank you for reading :)

    @Anonymous#2 Thank you!

    @Anonymous#3 Thank you for reading :) Do come back to read some even more worse reviews!
  16. sushant singh November 21, 2013 at 2:40 PM
    priceless... :)
  17. vidyavivek November 21, 2013 at 5:41 PM
    loved it! Had a hearty Laugh! :-) Thanks!
  18. Vikas Rawat November 21, 2013 at 7:01 PM
    Thank you for reading!
  19. Suraj November 21, 2013 at 8:28 PM
    ...bhery nice review !!!
    ...definatly follow up.
    ...keep going
  20. anirudh raghav November 21, 2013 at 9:04 PM
    keen observation vikas , your critique is absolutely spot on,
    i couldn't stop laughing at the SMS shayari point . And your usage of English is impeccable.
  21. Salim November 21, 2013 at 9:42 PM
    Great piece. I was trying to explain to some friends why I hated this film after seeing it last night but having come across your review I just posted a link to this page as you've said all I would want to - loved your writing style and will def peruse the rest of your blog.
  22. Babu Kilari November 21, 2013 at 9:53 PM
    Well, you made me laugh. Great !! However, why did you forget appreciating the brilliant cinematography that was shown in the movie. The entire plot is at one end and the lovely lighting and visual treat in terms of lighting was out of the world. May be you reconsider that Cinema is just not about hero, heroine and item numbers..etc.,
  23. Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 10:27 PM
    Why dont u make a film?? Idiot
  24. Anitha Ravishankar November 21, 2013 at 11:06 PM
    great review :) nd good choice of words...get a job in deccan ;)
  25. Anonymous November 21, 2013 at 11:45 PM
    Good review - SLB disappoints the most!
  26. Vidya Jayashekar November 22, 2013 at 12:09 AM
    You are a riot!! The best review, but then I am not a big fan of SLB. I was wondering if after all that hype I should watch the movie but thanks for saving my time.
  27. Anonymous November 22, 2013 at 7:59 AM
    Rofl.. your review seems more entertaining than movie.. wishj i had option earlier.. i would have paid to read your review rather watching movie ;)
  28. Anonymous November 22, 2013 at 11:54 AM
    100% in agreement!
  29. sahinya November 22, 2013 at 11:56 AM
    I liked the movie. But this review is absolutely hilarious.
  30. Anonymous November 22, 2013 at 1:36 PM
    I think you enjoyed more writing this review than watching the movie. To the me this is the best way to tell others why they should AVOID watching this shit movie.Keep going, friend..There are many here who respect and take your reviews seriously and hell with those who object your comments
  31. Vikas Rawat November 22, 2013 at 4:18 PM
    Thank you everyone!

    What's interesting to see is how all the negative comments come from people who hide behind the 'anonymous' tag! :)
  32. Anonymous November 24, 2013 at 10:06 PM
    loved your review Vikas. Thumbs up!!!

    I wrote the following on my FB page :P :

    #Ishaqzaade+Asian Paints = #Ramleela !!!

    SLB: Why make Shakespeare turn in his grave when all u wanted is to become a member of 100 crore club??

    If Romeo-Juliet, the classic was the focal point, I preferred QSQT version as it comes close to the novel in all aspects--love, longing, romance in the backdrop of age old clan rivalry. Oh, I forgot, I belong to old school of thought. Where as the current cinematic experience is no longer to be felt but should hit u on your face with its over the top histrionics.

    In a nutshell, SLB used two pupils(with hot sizzling chemistry which could be seamlessly translated on-screen too) to tell the story of "the birds and the bees" in the blackboard jungle.

    On second thoughts,on a gloomy, rainy Sunday morning, if you are keen to watch Deepika's chance pe dance, Ranveer's mauke pe chauka, SLB's mid-life crisis symptoms then Go for IT!!!

    Pallavi Singh
  33. sahinya November 26, 2013 at 2:57 PM
    I watched Ramleela for the second time; once before reading this and once after. I still maintain that I loved it (If I only liked it the first time, I loved it the second). I still find your review hilarious but, here are rebuttals for a few of your points.

    1. Supriya Pathak. Agreed, she could have been running a brothel. But, give her due credit, for she was funny where she needed to be.
    3. Sexual Innuendos. Okay, so if you were to go to a small village in the middle of the raan, I really doubt you will find classy pick-up lines and subtle sexual intentions. I don't know what SLB intended but, I think he decided to be realistic about what one would find in an environment such as that.
    6. Yes, red was predominant in the movie. But, did you not notice how each shot told a story and how each shot was beautiful in terms of color, components and grandiose?
    10. Priyanka Chopra brought more sensuality to the screen, in the first 5 seconds she was on it, than Deepika could in the entire duration of the movie. The voodoo dance only set her back further.

    Yes, there was a point that I felt that it could have been a musical. Yes, Raveer Sigh had ludicrous amounts of teel on him.
    Yet, when I look at the bigger picture, it is commendable. There was drama. There was beauty. It had all the components for a good movie. A good Indian dramatic Rom-Com.

    As for your writing, you're funny, maybe you should do one on Krish 3, if you dare to watch it. Might be an interesting read. (:
  34. Vikas Rawat November 26, 2013 at 5:44 PM
    Thanks! I still think the film was bad and stand by my views.

    I don't know about 'Krrish 3', but I saw 'Gori Tere Pyaar Main' today and will be putting up my 10 Reasons for that shortly :)
  35. Anonymous November 28, 2013 at 4:27 PM
    I think this distaste is totally self inflicted. To begin with, to like Devdas and Black is to be a moron of stupendous proportions. These films you mentioned did well for the same reasons Chennai Express did well. They were played in country where artistic IQ is abysmally low. And when you say that this is worse of than the earlier SLB punishments, I love it that you got tortured. I wish the end of film viewers like you so cinema becomes more like 'A Wednesday' and rickshawallah's stop taking the blame for your miserable taste in cinema.
  36. Vikas Rawat November 28, 2013 at 6:52 PM
    Wow. You're a pleasant guy! Thanks for writing in. And keep reading :)
  37. Rickie November 28, 2013 at 9:22 PM
    I don't think you liked the film, did you. :P
    Killer review!
  38. sanjiv m November 29, 2013 at 12:19 PM
    brilliant review ! wish I had read it before actually spending my hard earned money !
  39. Alka Gurha November 29, 2013 at 2:07 PM
    Glad I stayed away from the movie. Loved it. Laughed too.
  40. anita menon November 29, 2013 at 4:21 PM
    I am a SLB fan. a big one. But Ram Leela was so so pointless. Like the characters did not know what they were doing. I am glad they killed each other towards the end. That to me was a perfect ending.
  41. Anonymous December 5, 2013 at 12:33 AM
    Very very funny!! And impressive language too...thanx �� keep writing
  42. Vikas Rawat December 5, 2013 at 3:10 AM
    Thank you!
  43. Anonymous December 6, 2013 at 3:24 AM
    Really love your writing, on the lines of Vigil idiot. I believe that not every Hindi film is bad, there are some really good ones, but making s grand promotion and marketing doesn't mean a equally good film. I live in Gujarat and expected that movie would actually focus on the real issue of the fight between the communities(the story about fight is true in some areas of Gujarat), with the love story as the back drop, but alas, today every director wants to enter into 100C club, and what could have been a spectacular movie was ruined by actors, dialogue and story
  44. Sagheer December 12, 2013 at 5:22 PM
    Amazing review, you have bettered Sahil's review in Vigil Idiot. I loved the "Tel" bit and the peacock! Funny stuff. Thanks for saving me a bunch of money!
  45. Anonymous December 18, 2013 at 1:17 PM
    Great review. I am a major SLB fan but Ram-Leela made me reconsider my fandom. It just proves that films that make the most money aren't the best. The movie came across as very animalistic with all that sex and violence. It was disgusting. This is the first movie I've watched with Ranveer Singh and I don't ever wanna watch one with his again. You hit the nail on its head with the comment on his oily chest, I just wanted him to bath or put a shirt on. It was not attractive at all.
  46. Sean Dorsey May 17, 2014 at 7:42 AM
    OMG All the MEN commenting on Ranveer's oil smeared body!

    If you don't understand the appeal then you have no right to complain about it! It's like girls complaining about men being attracted to big boobs. Why?

    This was (especially the song Tattad) probably the first gratuitously female oriented scene in Bollywood ever! So all hail SJB for it! Ranveer looked beyond!

    This article is godsent! -,d.ZWU
  47. Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 9:18 PM
    Dude .. I agree the movie was crap but that does not mean you make fun of anything and everything . The songs were definitely above average .. remember Nagada ? Laal Ishq ? And I found absolutely nothing with PC's item song either ..considering all the item songs being made these days .. Ram chaahe was of the better lot.. tastefully done. And absolutely nothing wrong with Ranveer's performance in Dattad Tattad either .. it was entertaining ..
  48. Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 9:20 PM
    No hard feelings but take some cues from Sahil Rizwan (the Vigil Idiot) by ridiculing only what needs to be ridiculed .. not anything and everything ..
  49. Wings of Harmony January 9, 2015 at 12:39 PM
    Dang! My comment disappeared!

    Loved the review! And even though I am a SLB fan as well (and Ranveer Singh too, please;)) I remember getting a head splitting headache after 15 minutes into the film (and I had missed the opening scene)! You have pointed the peacock part out, which was what bothered me as well. Plus the cheap innuendos. *Cringe*

    You have a follower here! :D

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